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Jokes thread!

That reminds me of somebody I know. They put Christ D. King on her drivers license. They just removed some letter from her first name and put her middle initial.
 





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I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
 
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."
 
I not only know how to fix your laser I can do plumbing, see I fixed the sink in the bathroom so now we have hot water :D

 
The wife was sitting in front of the mirror the other night just before bed, she turns and says to me "Honey I am going grey, I have wrinkles and sagging skin, lumps and bumps where they should not be. I really need some words of encouragement right now!"
So I says to her "Well at least your eye sight is good, in fact it is darn near perfect!"
PS: It is not so bad sleeping in the car, at least I don't have to listen to her snore!
 
HotelCN.jpg


Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated into English as only locals or computers can:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

Our restaurant menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
 
That's some prime fail material right there. I wonder how much I could be paid to translate stuff into English for them. Of course I'd have to learn Chinese first.
 
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Pshhh, all you would need to do is google-translate it, and then translate the google translate :p

Carry a mandarin-english dictionary for backup. Grapefruit-English or orange-English won't work.
 
BShanahan14rulz said:
Pshhh, all you would need to do is google-translate it, and then translate the google translate :p

Carry a mandarin-english dictionary for backup. Grapefruit-English or orange-English won't work.
Click to expand...

LOL

There are simply a lot of idioms and ways of using words and phrases that just don't translate from one language to another.

"What's Up?" "He kicked the Bucket", "He bought the farm" and so forth can make translator programs get interesting results.

Inquiries as to the orientation relative to the planet, males using leg propulsion to strike water vessels, or, purchasing agricultural properties, can simply fail to convey the writer's original intent.

Throw in some thesaurus work, and the original can become so disassociated from the original that all bets are off.
 
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